the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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