My sheets look like a crime scene.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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