I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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