I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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