Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we made out on top of his cat.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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