sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
