How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
