hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
