So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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