Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
