I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
