And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
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Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
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See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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