I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
