Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My dad is sitting where you rode me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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