Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
