Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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