I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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