Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
