She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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