I don't think brook has ever known best
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
