i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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