Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
