Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
and she was petting her beer can
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We need to rekindle our bromance
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
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My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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