you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
