my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
