Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
