i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
