yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
