I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
