My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
