I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It was confusing and full of hummus
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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