Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
