my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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