I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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