I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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