I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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