my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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