My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
