sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Lo siento on account of my penis...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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