I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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