I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
