: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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