I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
