Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
