not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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