New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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