matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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