He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
