i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
