I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
