He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
