I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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