I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
