I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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