some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
