Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
