So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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