All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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